Ramblings

Not your Wife/Girlfriend/Mother

So, 9 months ago I got played by my closest guy friend. He completely led  me on while knowing my feelings for him.

How could he not?

I mean, I did tell them about it.

Honestly, I was blind as one tends to be when they really like someone. Afterwards it took me three months to get over him and maybe 6 months to get over the whole situation.

I told him we weren’t friends anymore after a while but -me being me- we’re friends again.

However, while I do accept some people back into my life, I don’t usually feel as I used to.

Dear  friend who happens to be my ex-crush who hurt me,

I would stop telling me you love me if I were you. Especially if you expect me to say it back. It’s not that I don’t care about you…but I’ve found that I can’t say things I do not mean. While I know that your ‘love you’s’ are meant as a friend, I can’t say it back in that way either.

I will be there for you. I will listen to you. Laugh with you. Smile at you. But I will not love you anytime soon.

I will not treat you as my best friend when there are others who are.

I will not spoil you. I will not give in to your every whim.

I will not cuddle with you.

Speaking of which, realize that all I am is a friend. Do not tell me you love me as if I  was your wife. Don’t expect me to take care of you as a mom. Do not expect me to return  all your affection as a girlfriend. Do not expect me to cuddle with you anymore. Do not act like a jealous boyfriend.

Especially now that you have a girlfriend that’s not me.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be your girlfriend.

And since I know you’ll never read this let me add some more honesty..I’m, once again, scared of losing you. I’m scared that my attitude will push you away. I’m scared that you no longer being my #1 priority will disillusion you. I’m scared I’ll no longer be worth your attention.

Oh, but dear, I’m worth so much more than these feelings of fear. That is why I won’t give in to what you want but rather to what is best for me.

Sincerely,

Mae.

 

 

 

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